Presenting Bad News

Not everything in life is puppies and flowers. Sometimes those puppies have gangrene and those flowers are really assassins with eye patches. Other times those puppies are gangrenic assassins with flowers in their hair and butterfly knives. Regardless, here are some tips for telling bad news so that next time the stripper’s death will come off as almost accidental.

Tip #1: Make it into a game.

Father: I hope you been having a good birthday son, I know you always wanted to be an actor, so I have a great surprise for you.
Timmy: Really? What is it?
Father: Our whole family is going to be in a film!
Timmy: We are!! Oh boy!
Father: The plot is as follows: your mother and I are going to get a divorce because you are a selfish little brat that has ruined our love life. The movie should take about twenty years to film or until you kill yourself, which ever comes first. It starts…now!
Timmy: [wide-eyed] Bu-but I don’t see any cameras.

Tip #2: Talk about a related topic.

Fred: So I get to meet Magic Johnson after the game right?
Father: Oh yeah, for sure. I called Magic last night. It’s all worked out.
Fred: Yippy!! [Waves towel as guy behind him spills his forth beer on Fred’s head] I’m going to shake his hand and get his autograph and…
Father: Your mother and I have AIDS.

Tip #3: Deliver the news when they feel sorry for you.

Jimmy: Dad…this bone marrow transplant procedure…I’m really nervous. You know I heard that it is kind of dangerous.
Father: You know son, you don’t have to do the transplant procedure for me anymore.
Jimmy: I don’t! [face brightens] You mean they found another donor?
Father: No son, you’re adopted.

Tip #4: Bake a Cake.

Samantha: Man I’m so excited!
Boss: [bringing out the cake] We all would like to congratulate you for receiving that promotion. We are all looking at the New Assistant to the Vice President of Sales.
Samantha: But that’s the job I have now!
Boss: April Fools!! Ha-ha…but seriously, you’re fired.

Tip #5: Make a doctor do it.

Doctor: [shows picture] And what do you see in this inkblot?
Jimmy: …umm…I think…it’s a cow dancing on a tombstone?
Doctor: Good, good. [Shows next picture] And what of this?
Jimmy: [shocked] Why…why that’s not an inkblot at all…that’s just a vivid close-up photograph of my wife blowing my best friend!
Father: [opens door] Oh don’t mind me, I’m just here to remind Jimmy he’s adopted. [Sees picture] Ohh…you know, I have that photo framed if you want.


Tip #6: Just don’t tell. Ever.

Blind Man: [on fire] Man it’s hot today. What is it…like 95 or something?
Richard: …er…yeah…
Blind Man: [engulfed in flames] Are you sure? I mean, are you sure that I’m not on fire or something? I mean there’s no reason not to tell me. I am a certified fireman with a fire extinguisher in my hands…I am also mere inches away from a fire blanket.
Richard: …uh…no man, you’re cool.
Man Walking By: [shocked] Oh my god! That man’s on fire!
Blind Man: [resembling Dante’s inferno] What did he say?
Richard: uh…he said…um…do you like Mike Myers?

Tip: Give them hints of the bad news in the form of presents.

Father: Happy Birthday Lisa! Eight years old…wow! Come on and open your presents.
Lisa: Yippy!! [Tears open first present] Cool! It’s a ball of superman’s hair!
Father: No Lisa, that’s a wig. Open this one.
Lisa: [tears open next present] Wow, cool! A bunch of dishes filled with paint. I’m going to draw a dino-doggy!
Father: Actually, that’s some of your father’s bone marrow. You might want to put that somewhere cold.
Lisa: Oh…well, I’m going to open this one. [Tears open last present] A t-shirt! What does it say?
Father: Well…it says, “Cancer: it will really grow on you.”
Lisa: What does that mean?
Father: It means you better grab a jacket because we’re going to go see Dr. Bernstein. He’s going to be injecting you with birthday presents for the next 14 weeks.